Why Do I Keep Repeating the Same Patterns?

For years, I think I believed I had to be Superwoman. I had to be the person who could cope, who could juggle everything, keep going, look after everyone else and somehow hold it all together. Then, in 2015, my body had other ideas. I experienced my first non-epileptic seizure and what followed was a journey of appointments, uncertainty and eventually a diagnosis of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND). Alongside this, I was also dealing with sight loss and other health difficulties. Suddenly, the person who had always just kept going couldn't keep going in quite the same way anymore. I found that incredibly difficult to accept. All the hats we wear During my own counselling journey, I remember doing an exercise where I drew myself as Superwoman. Around the picture I started thinking about all the different roles I had in my life. Mam, wife, daughter, sister, friend, manager, counsellor, colleague... The list seemed to go on and on. Looking at it, I realised just how many different hats I was wearing and how much of my life was about being something to somebody else. Then something struck me. Where was Ceri? It sounds like such a simple question, but actually it was quite a powerful one for me. Somewhere underneath everything I was doing, all the roles I was filling and everything I thought I needed to be for everybody else, I'd lost sight of me. I'd lost Ceri. I think that realisation has stayed with me because it made me recognise how easy it is to become so caught up in looking after everyone and everything around us that we forget to check in with ourselves. What does everybody need from me? I think this is something many of us do without even realising we're doing it. We're constantly thinking about what everybody else needs. What do the children need? What does my partner need? What needs doing for work? Is there something I've forgotten? What should I be doing next? Am I letting somebody down? Our minds can be constantly working through that invisible list. How often, amongst all of that, do we stop and ask ourselves a very different question What do I need? I know for me that question hasn't always come easily. Even asking it can somehow feel selfish, particularly when we're so used to putting everybody else first. But I've come to realise that it isn't selfish at all. Whose expectations are they anyway? Expectations have been another big part of my own journey. I've always had high expectations of myself. I can put enormous pressure on myself to do things well, to achieve, to keep going and to get things "right". I've even managed to turn things that are supposed to be good for me into another expectation! Exercise is a really good example. Rather than thinking about moving my body because it might help me feel better, it can very quickly become something else I should be doing. Then, if I don't manage it, instead of simply accepting that perhaps today wasn't the day, I can feel as though I've failed. I've had to become much more aware of that little word should. I should be doing more. I should be coping better. I should have achieved this by now. I should be able to manage. There are so many shoulds we can place on ourselves. Something I've learned to do is become curious about them rather than automatically accepting them. Whose expectation is this anyway? Is it actually mine? Is it something I've picked up from other people, from society or perhaps from ideas I've carried for years about what a good mam, wife, counsellor, professional or woman is supposed to look like? Perhaps the most important question for me has become is this expectation actually helping me? Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes our expectations can motivate us and help us grow. But sometimes they simply make us feel that however much we're doing, it is never quite enough. Learning to be kinder to myself I'd love to say that I realised all of this and suddenly became wonderfully balanced, stopped putting pressure on myself and now have it all worked out. I haven't! I'm still learning. I can still put pressure on myself. I still take on too much sometimes. I can still find myself saying yes when perhaps I need to say no, and I'm still learning to recognise when I need to stop. The difference is that I understand myself a little better now. Counselling, CBT, EMDR and my own personal development have all helped me to explore who I am, rather than simply who I think I should be. I've also realised that self-care isn't always the lovely things we often associate with it. It isn't just bubble baths, candles or taking some time off. Sometimes self-care is saying no when you'd normally say yes. Sometimes it's admitting you're tired. Sometimes it's asking somebody else for help. Sometimes it's changing the expectations you've placed on yourself. Sometimes it's accepting that good enough really is good enough. For me, it can also be as simple as stopping for a moment and asking myself, what do I need today? I don't always get it right, and I don't always listen to the answer either, but I'm getting better at asking the question. I'm not Superwoman Perhaps one of the biggest things I've learned through all of this is that personal growth doesn't have a finishing line. There isn't going to be a day when I wake up and suddenly have everything worked out. I'm still growing. I'm still learning about myself. I'm still getting things wrong and I'm still learning how to be kinder to myself when I do. Perhaps that's actually the point. I don't have to be everything to everybody. I don't have to get everything right and I don't have to prove my worth by how much I can carry. I don't need to be perfect anymore. I need to be me. So perhaps I'll leave you with something to think about too. Who are you underneath all the hats you wear? When was the last time you stopped thinking about what everybody else needed from you and genuinely asked yourself, What do I need? You might be surprised by the answer. If some of this feels familiar, counselling can offer a space where, for a little while, you don't have to look after anybody else. You don't have to perform a role, get anything right or have all the answers. It can simply be a space to explore you, at your own pace and without judgement. Look after yourself! Ceri

Making the decision to contact a counsellor can feel like a big step and then another thought can quickly appear: “What on earth am I going to say?” If you've never experienced counselling before, it's completely understandable that the first session might feel unfamiliar. You don't need to arrive prepared You don't need to have your story organised. You don't need to know exactly why you feel the way you do and you certainly don't need to arrive with a list of things to talk about. Our first session is an opportunity for us to begin getting to know one another. We can talk about what has brought you to counselling, what you might like support with and what you hope counselling could offer you. But we go at your pace. Counselling isn't an interview I'm not sitting opposite you with a checklist waiting for the correct answers. Counselling is a relationship. Particularly in the beginning, it's about creating a space where you can gradually feel safe enough to explore what's happening for you. There may be things you're ready to talk about straight away and other things that take much longer. That's okay. Silence is okay too. Perhaps the most important question A first session isn't only about whether I think I can support you. It's also your opportunity to begin asking: “Does this feel like someone I could talk to?” The relationship you have with your counsellor matters. You are allowed to ask questions, take your time and notice how the experience feels. You don't have to tell your whole story in the first hour. Sometimes the first step is simply turning up and that's enough for us to begin.